I have never been an angry person. Not because of any sort of mature, noble work on my part. It’s just not one of my emotions of choice.
I tend to feel the blue ones: sadness, disappointment, shame.
The red family of emotions are very new to me on this infertility journey. Red emotions like rage, anger, irritation, judgment.
I find myself reflecting on why anger has been foreign to me.
It’s not like I haven’t had things to feel mad about. I grew up in an alcoholic/addict home (Dad). I’ve suffered eating disorders, being cut from the high school volleyball team (lol), and have faced a mountain of student debt.
That stuff should have made me at least a touch of anger. But mostly I just worked harder.
I realize now that maybe I’ve never needed to rely on anger. If I faced a challenge in life, I always saw a path forward or an exit ramp to a different route. Or some sort of work-harder-until-it-works-out option.
This TTC journey. Infertility. PCOS.
This is the first scenario in life that I have felt completely without an exit ramp. There is no way to “work harder” to make it happen.
There is no effort I can exert and make myself pregnant.
And now, I understand.
I understand the purpose of anger. It is the emotion you feel when you’ve run out of options. It’s the dead end emotion. The true, fuck this shit feeling.
I’m taking a neutral and curious approach to my new companion, anger.
Like today, for example, I am finding some solace in anger. Today’s variety of anger is like my own private cabana in hell. I spent my morning commute luxuriating in my rage.
Over the years I’ve resisted anger. I viewed it as “wrong”. And I’m always trying to be capital R-IGHT, and good, and perfect.
But what if in my anger avoidance, I have missed something important? What if anger is actually what I need to be feeling and doing and learning at this phase?
As someone who tries to find the productivity in every shitty situation, I’m trying to understand my anger. Where is it coming from? Who am I angry with? Is my anger telling me something that needs to be heard?
This morning, I don’t know the answer to any of this. But maybe that’s ok. I’m going to feel this rage until the fever breaks. I am confident it will.